Matt's Testimony

            Through our walk with Christ, many of us have had our curiosity in other religions and sometimes this leads to thoughts of conversion or further research into the religion. We start to question our own faith sometimes and sometimes we slip away from God. One faith that often grabs the attention of believers is Mormonism. This is because, from the outside, the Mormon Church seems so much like Christianity. But, once you actually begin to learn what it's about, you will see that it is the polar opposite. 

             A couple weeks ago, while working with my dad, I met a gentleman named Matt Covert. He has a website all about cars: Fast Lane Review. He shared with me a powerful testimony about his interest in the Mormon faith and his turning to God for the right answers. You may think that the voice of God talking to him is just his own thoughts, but I believe differently. God speaks directly to us sometimes, it's just a matter of us paying attention and opening the ears of our hearts.        

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Several months ago I was genuinely interested in joining the Mormon Church, for obvious reasons. I was really excited about similar it was to traditional Christianity (God is the only God, the Bible is the authoritative word of God, etc.). At that point, it didn't really seem like a far-fetched idea to consider converting. One by one, however, red flags started popping up as I learned more and more about the Mormon faith.

Throughout this time I talked extensively with nine LDS (Latter Day Saints) missionaries about every question I had. To my surprise, they had no answers to the majority of the issues I was raising. Their answer was always, "INSERT TESTIMONY, END WITH: ...read The Book of Mormon, and pray that God will reveal it to you as truth." This repeated answer did two things: A) It did not address any of the questions B) It required me to overlook some very basic points that no one seemed to understand.

From here, I studied everything I could get my hands on for a few months. It all became too frustrating and confusing, and in desperation I laid it all out on the table with God. I asked him some very important questions regarding Mormonism, and I was amazed at the manner in which he answered my prayers.

A large part of my studies included testing the spirits to make sure that they, and the information they are giving you, are genuinely representing God. I have no doubt that God speaks to every one of us on a personal level, and he used this part of my study in an incredible way.

Summary:
1. I was interested in the LDS church
2. I studied everything I could find and talked to many people about it
3. It all becomes a giant mess in my head
4. I went to God in a desperate attempt to get these things sorted out
5. God answered back


The following describes an intense experience that I can never deny. It sounds crazy, but I had an incredible conversation with our Creator. Below are two excerpts from an email I sent to my pastor back home, who has been a part of my studies for quite some time.

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"I recently experienced one short moment that I will never, ever forget. I have no doubt that my entire life led up to this one single moment. All of my experiences, ambitions, prayers, studies, and relationships radically pale in comparison to this one event.

The second she left my room that first night I began to pray. I prayed on a level I had never experienced before. I poured out my soul to God, praying that he might see fit to touch the heart of my wonderful, wonderful friend. I prayed in hopes that I had presented these ideas in a way that was intriguing and nonabrasive, and that she might experience just the slightest amount of curiosity. I knew that my duty to share this information with her had ended, and from then forward I had to be hands off. She had to take the next step. And if God saw fit to step in, now was the time. When I finished my thoughts, I started over and prayed them again, and again. I prayed for ten of fifteen minutes, and then stopped.

These thoughts continued to race around my mind for a few seconds. Suddenly my mind stopped, and became completely empty. Then out of nowhere, my mind filled with a new voice. It was quiet, but clearer than anything I've ever heard. The voice said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

At that point I absolutely lost it. Did God actually speak to me? Did he tell me that Matt Covert had actually done something that warranted such approval?"

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"This week, my five month study culminated in such an insane way. I met with the LDS missionaries again last Tuesday, and we talked about prophets. Kathryn was very involved this time, though I could tell she was very frustrated at some of the things I said. Many times her head dropped and she just shook her head while I spoke.

At this point, I would like to officially modify one of my beliefs. Until recently, I missed something very important in 1 John 4. It does indeed say to test spirits to see whether they are of God, but then it goes on and gives us the exact method by which to test those spirits. In short, if the spirit confesses that Christ has come in the flesh, then that is the spirit of truth. I have not been testing spirits in the proper manner.

I read this passage so many times, and I couldn't get past the fact that the spirit that has visited many LDS members, saying the Book of Mormon is true, DOES confess that Christ is come in the flesh.

I struggled with this for a couple days. At this point, I saw two separate faiths that were potentially legitimate after testing the spirits. This was annoying, distressing, confusing, and spiritually disorienting. I sat at my computer for hours, deliberating through scriptures and reasoning with myself. Eventually it overwhelmed me, my mind was tore itself to pieces. I dropped everything, went outside, and ran for quite a while. I was really upset that the Word of God wasn't clearer, and I was so desperate to get this sorted out that I started to cry. I just prayed "help."

Eventually I calmed down and returned home. God must really know how to time things, because when I sat back down at my computer I saw that I had a new email from you. You introduced me to 1 Corinthians 3:10-13, and I dove back in.

God says (through Paul) that others will build on the foundations that Christ laid. He also says that the foundations of Christ can never be changed.

In the midst of this portion of my study, Kathryn said she couldn't understand why I hadn't asked God directly, regarding these difficult issues. My caution regarding spiritual affirmation made me skeptical. But, as a genuine seeker of truth, I branched off to research what the Bible says about asking God for help. I was stunned at how many times God says in the Bible that he will provide you with wisdom and guidance. He also says that if you ask him anything in his name, he will answer. After spending a couple hours on this topic, I decided it was my privilege to seek help from God. These months of studying, the last two days in particular, had turned into somewhat of a burden. Shouldering the search for truth, not only for myself but for Kathryn as well, had become almost unmanageable.

I walked into my dark bedroom, shut the door, and fell to my knees with powerful emotion. As a believer in God's promises throughout the Bible, I had faith that God would openly hear what I was about to say.

As you know, a couple weeks ago I believed that God spoke to me. The following experience infinitely reinforces that belief, and I will never question it again. I haven't shared this with anyone else.

I lowered my head and quietly began speaking to God. I said something close to the following:

"Gracious Heavenly Father....Creator of everything....this is all just a big mess in my head. I am your servant, and I want to know you so that I can serve you. I have been studying everything I can get my hands on. I'm ashamed to admit this....but I just now learned that as a believer, I can go right to the source. I need clarification. I need to sort this out. I accept You, let the Spirit fill me....Give me wisdom and discernment as I continue to learn about you. I know that you said I could ask you anything, and you will answer me. I don't know how I'm supposed to hear your answer, so I'm just going to ask the question. Is the Book of Mormon true? Is Joseph Smith true?"

I opened my eyes and sat there for a moment. I almost got up from the floor, but I felt compelled to stay where I was. I closed my eyes again. The same voice from a couple weeks ago spoke to me again.

It said, "The Book of Mormon is (I fought the answer for several moments before the last word was spoken, because I could tell what the coming answer would be)....true. Joseph Smith is (I fought this answer too)....true."

I became so emotional. From this moment on, I prayed in silence. I prayed, "Lord....a spirit just spoke to me. I've learned that I need to test this spirit to make sure it is representing you. Do I need to test this spirit?"

The voice said, "Yes."

I knew that in the next few moments, everything could be clarified. Like a computer, my mind raced through and arranged everything I had learned in the past five months. In silence, I continued to pray, "Father....First the spirit said the Book of Mormon is true. The Book of Mormon says that Christ came in the flesh. The second thing the spirit said was that Joseph Smith is true. Joseph Smith also said that Christ came in the flesh. He built on the foundations of Christ, but I believe his building materials were weak....he changed what you taught in the Bible. He said you are not the only God, not eternal, and that you Word needs changing. I believe that You, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are the same being. Since You are one and the same, changing You also changes the foundations of Christ, which means that Joseph Smith was not a true prophet, for you taught that the foundations of Christ can never change. If a spirit confesses that Christ has come in the flesh, and then suggests that the foundations of Christ should be changed, that is not the spirit of truth."

The voice spoke to me again in a lighthearted and pleased tone, “ Well done, my good and faithful servant."

What relief I felt in that one moment! I was so overwhelmed by what was happening, and so hungry for more! I continued to pray in silence, "My incredible God....thank you! Thank you! Please tell me....so that I may hear it from your very lips....Are you from everlasting to everlasting? Are you the only God? Is the Bible meant to be read literally?"

Fearing that I had overstepped the boundaries of faith, I waited. But the voice spoke again, "I am from everlasting to everlasting. I am the only God. The Bible is literal."

Saturated with passion, I asked one final thing. In silence I prayed, "What do I do now? Do I tell Kathryn about this? What do I do about Kathryn?"

The voice replied one last time. It said, "Do nothing. You have done your part. It's my turn now."

I thanked God a final time. And since He was not physically in the room with me, I kissed the back of my own hand in an attempt to express how much I loved Him in that moment.

I stood up, and my burdens were gone. I was filled with a joy that our language cannot do justice. I outstretched my arms, looked to the sky and proclaimed aloud, "I'm free!" I remained like this for several minutes to bask in the presence of the Lord.

Hours later, I returned to speak with God again. In silence I prayed, "My undeniable Heavenly Father....I know that I can always ask you for wisdom and discernment. I don't know if I'm allowed to ask for wisdom and discernment on behalf of others. But if I am, here is it: Father, I pray that you would fill my wonderful friend Kathryn with the Holy Spirit and that she would overflow with wisdom and discernment."

Again, the voice spoke to me, "Do nothing. I will help."

Sounds a bit crazy, yeah? It's all true though. I spoke about this at a church a couple months ago. People were shocked and enlightened. I'd love to get up in front of another church or youth group and speak again.

Marqui's Testimony

This testimony is not my own, but rather of a fellow sister in Christ. I was so overwhelmed by it when she emailed it to me and felt it heavy on my heart that I should share it, with her permission.

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One of the main reasons I’m documenting my testimony of how I came to be an avid lover of Jesus Christ is because I (similar to an elderly dementia patient) can’t remember details for the life of me. So much of the most important things in my life have been forgotten. I remember only the things that are utterly mundane; go figure.

To begin, a little about my past. At a young age, I already began to realize I was smarter than the average bear. I learned how to read at around the same time (or slightly thereafter) as my brother, who is my elder by three years. I remember not going to kindergarten for an entire year after I could read, because my birthday was after the cutoff date. Throughout my early elementary years, I figured out pretty quickly I was smarter than most of the kids around me. I took tests a year or two ahead of my grade level, I had special privileges to check out chapter books when I was in the first grade, and I never had occasion to read those simple little ten page books with five words to a page. God was kind to me, but through that time, my pride and arrogance swelled.

Once I finished the first grade, my parents convinced me to go to a magnet academy. There I was forced to face the reality that there were actually some people who were as smart as me. It was a huge callous on my pride, because until then I’d thought I was the only “genius” out there. Not so.

Since I can remember, I’d always been one of those kids who kept secrets. I just never really shared anything with my parents. Secrets lead to more secrets, and I learned some pretty undesirable traits. At a young age, I became a practiced thief. If I couldn’t have what I wanted, I just took it. Specifically, my dad had a quarter collection that sat laid out on his desk in his office. Every morning, very early, I’d take one or two quarters (we were always adding to the collection) and spent it on a cookie or whatever. Eventually, I got caught of course. Still, it took my parents a good few months to figure it out. I was also a practiced liar, which explains the former. I blamed the thefts on the Vietnamese  boy who lived down the street, and my parents believed me. In part they believed me because I was their beautiful sweet child, but I was also just good at deceiving.

 The next year, I met Lexi, who to this day remains a dear friend. We hung out at each others houses every weekend, shared interests, and dozens of sweet memories. The only problem was, I moved shortly after beginning our close friendship. I moved to El Paso, Texas: the place of my birth. I was livid. I raged both quietly and verbally because my parents had deigned to move me from where I was happiest. Of course, at that time, I couldn’t see the pieces that were to fall into place over the next six years, so I was just filled with anger and bitterness. My father’s family has a history of holding onto bitterness. My dad tells how his father got his pants ripped by a dog when he was twelve, and was angry at the dog till the day he died. My father is just like his father, and I am just like mine. Needless to say, that makes it difficult to keep bitterness from taking up residence in my heart. That became one of the biggest struggles of my everyday life. Soon, at eleven years old, I ran away twice. Not successfully, but I tried. The first time I went in the middle of the night. I managed to get about two miles away before I decided I was lost and called a friend to come pick me up. The second time was in the midst of some legal chaos. My mother blamed me for the issue, and I used it as an excuse to run away. The cops found me a couple of hours later. Nevertheless, I’d displayed my defiance. I was a rebel. I liked it.

Shortly thereafter, I was forced against my will to go to a middle school that was not assigned to my area. I met brilliant individuals, and I ended up loving it after a year, but I still was bitter because my father had not asked my permission to send me to some random school. In that year that I hated my school, I got into some trouble. I began to learn all the worldly filth that fills public schools, and it began to take root in my mind. I was friends with a girl who was just as angry at the world as me, and we ended up getting in school suspension for deeply disrespecting a teacher. The funny thing is to the day I’m writing this, I still blame the teacher (artfully pointed out a couple of weeks ago by a friend when I was retelling the story) for being inadequate, therefore causing my disrespect. Regardless, this was just another act of defiance against my parents.

At this point I am going to interject to mention that I was raised in an extremely loving Christian home. I won’t say my parents were awesome at instilling a love of the Word and God in my heart, but they did and do the best they can. Unfortunately, for many years, their trust in God only pushed me farther from Him. It began when I was five. I was starting school, and we had lost the school supply shopping list. It was really important to find it, for some reason, and my mom told me to ask God to help us find the list. I asked and asked repeatedly. I looked everywhere I could, and I never found the list. Neither did my mother. From then on, I lost faith in God, simply because He didn’t give me a reason to trust Him. If he couldn’t even help me find a shopping list, how could He be trusted with anything else? This is where my bitterness began, so long ago. Things kept building on me. As they say, it’s all the little things that do you in. I never forgave anyone anything. I even remember the time when I was four or five and my dad stole my milkshake. My family and I were at Denny’s, and my mom let me order a strawberry milkshake. I was super excited, but when it came, my dad gave me the leftovers in the tin where they mix it, and drank the milkshake himself. I held that grudge for years. There was also this one time that my mother was cutting my hair, also when I was five. She had me sitting outside on a stool in my underwear, and she poured water over my head to facilitate the cutting process, as I have extremely curly hair. My brother came outside and started making fun of me, saying I had peed myself. Insulted, I looked to my mother, my hero, for support, and was shocked to realize she was going to join in the fun! They made so much fun of me for that; I was completely indignant, particularly because my mother KNEW she’d poured water over my head, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand how she could be making fun of me for peeing myself! Just more bitterness to add to the pot.

Aside from those anecdotes, I’m going to move on to the summer before the seventh grade. I was twelve, going on thirteen, when my family started attending The Rio Church. I didn’t really want to start at a new church, because I’d gone to a bunch of others and been sorely disappointed with the people and the general ambiance. Strangely enough, I quickly fell in love with the people there. My best friend and adopted sister Hope was the first person I met. She bravely greeted me and was super enthusiastic to meet me; it freaked me out. Nobody in El Paso was that nice! The next week, I was super weirded out when Silas, (Hope’s younger brother and current close friend), greeted me! I’d barely talked to him, and, he was a boy! Aghast, I made a huge deal out of it. I just didn’t know how to deal with people being real and loving.

Soon, however, my growing relationship with Hope was staunched when I got close to Faith, another girl there. Once we got started, we became fast friends, and I felt like I’d finally found my niche with her. Unfortunately, our hearts were not ready to follow the Lord. My deception began again in full swing. It’d never stopped, but it had mellowed out because I had nothing to lie about. Now I was stuck again in a world of secrecy and other things that I despised. Part of me was glad to find someone that wasn’t “perfect” like Hope. Another minuscule part was slowly growing very uncomfortable.

By this time I was in the eighth grade and had just turned fourteen. I felt cool, and was still arrogant as all get out, probably more at the time than at any other. I won’t describe the sin in which I partook because mostly it’s not my story to tell. In general, there was a lot of lying to parents and such, but what we did is not important. What is important is that there came a time when God was not only chasing after me, gently tugging at my heart, but was clawing at me, trying to hold on to me, while I was slipping away into the opposite direction. So many things had become status quo to me that shouldn’t have been and aren’t status quo. Drugs seemed pretty okay (never tried it, but I wasn’t exactly standing against it all that much either) and teenage pregnancy was not a huge deal to me. Things were so out of focus, so much that I felt physical discomfort in my heart constantly. I was always cold. I remember having a conversation with a non-Christian friend in which I explained that I felt apart from God, and I wanted to get back to Him, but I didn’t know how, and He felt cold to me. I had cut off my life support, and I didn’t know how to get back. I couldn’t ask my parents because I didn’t trust them with my personal life. They were adults; even worse, they were Christians. In all my life, I’d never questioned the existence of God, but I fully questioned His motives on a daily basis. I felt so empty inside. My life was completely unfulfilling; completely unsatisfying. I despised who I’d become. I wanted love from Christ so much, but I had no idea how to get it. I’d already accepted Christ a long time before, at five, give or take, but I didn’t love Him. I didn’t know what it meant to love Him; what it meant to follow Him. He was an abstract idea that I didn’t really want to learn how to deal with.

I can’t be sure, but I think my parents were completely oblivious to my distress. Hope was starting to get the picture. We weren’t close at all; I despised her for being so perfect. I hated that she watched Faith and me, knowing where we were going, and still didn’t join us. As much as I wanted to get away from where I was, I wanted nothing more than to stay there. My heart was so fickle; I was dying.

I’m not sure how it happened, if one day or over time, but I woke up. I revealed to Faith’s parents (they had caught us for stuff already) the full extent of our ungodly endeavors. From there began a few long months of deep pain for me. Faith and I were watched now; we were kept apart as much as possible. I hated being watched, particularly because my parents did not participate in the watching, and so I felt it was undeserved. I’m not sure why, but they still seemed to trust me. They were clearly hurt because I was not who I’d portrayed myself to be, but at the same time, I think they were protecting me from the wrath they felt because this had happened to me within the church. I also didn’t like feeling like I had been the instigator; the bad kid. I felt that I was being blamed for the sins of the collective, not just my own. It was insufferable.

Despite my continued anger and the bitterness that I STILL had, on my own I began to actively seek God. It was a bit difficult, because I was so overwhelmed with guilt for the whole situation, and it was hard for me to not entrench the present roots of bitterness ever deeper into my heart. I cried like a baby at the littlest things. In worship, we were singing “Jesus Paid It All,” and I cried because Jesus could heal the leper “and melt the heart of stone.” For so long, I’d felt like my heart was made of a block of ice. I rarely allowed myself vulnerability, even when I was alone. I don’t like showing emotion, and I am just not a captive of my feelings. I never trusted them, and I still don’t.

I also had a lot of guilt about a certain sin I’d committed. It still embarrasses me, so I’m not going to share it, but every sermon our pastor gave felt like God was slamming the Hammer of Conviction down on me, and I honestly could not feel His forgiveness. I apologized so many times to Him and to myself for my sin, but I did not feel forgiven. It was so, so hard to overcome the guilt. Eventually, I just came to realize that love covers a multitude of sins, and that I am washed clean by the blood of the Lamb, but it left a huge scar on my heart.

Sometime between my months of emotional hardship, Faith moved away. That was pretty hard for both of us, because it meant I had to find “new” friends. It was kind of awkward to try and build/repair relationships within the youth group, particularly because I still felt that Hope was too good, too perfect. I also had to deal with resentment against the “establishment.” None of the other churches I’d ever been to had been so real about their faith. There was too much that people didn’t want to give up. However, this church I’d formerly held in a regard that made it almost seem cultish. I resented the way Hope and her brothers and sisters were raised, because they had so many rules. I hated that they had to share EVERYTHING with their parents. I never did, so I didn’t see why anyone else should either. Now I fully appreciate the parenting of the Nelsons, but it took almost a year and a half before I saw the beauty of their family structure. So, because of this, I was loathe to begin a friendship with one of “those” people. I didn’t want to be judged by the “perfect” people, and I didn’t want to have to deal with their perfection, and, consequently, my own inadequacy. I still looked for the things that made people more like me, more public schooled, more accepting and susceptible to the world. In all honesty, it was barely a year ago that I truly began to appreciate my friendships and my friends for who they are, and truly start loving my brothers and sisters in Christ. Before, I’d thought them all to be too Christian, too willing to follow the rules and bow to the establishment. I eventually got over it, though, and in place of all that resentment, bitterness, and anger, Jesus showed me love through my friends. Of course, I had some beautiful mentors, like Liz and Misty, but my biggest growth has been over the last year or so, and that’s been with Hope. Her example, gentle correction (iron sharpens iron), and love for me has been pretty overwhelming. I’ve honestly never loved anyone outside my family so much as I love this one girl. God put her in my life to help me grow, and grow I have. Our morning prayer time, good conversation, sharing of verses, discussion, and overall fellowship is one of the ways I believe God shows me His love. It’s just another blessing.

God’s love is overwhelming. God’s love is the most amazing, dynamic, and impossible-to-understand thing in the universe. He created a universe that’s trillions of light years big, and He still cares for me. He even urges us to cast our cares on Him, because He cares for us. One of the most amazing verses Hope ever shared with me was Luke 7:13, “When the Lord saw her, His heart overflowed with compassion.” That compassion is about the woman at the well, and knowing His heart for her, and seeing the way He loved her, gave me hope while I was yet in the midst of my emotional trials the few months following the time when I turned my life over to God. Jesus Christ suffered and died for my sins. He took my punishment, for reasons I think I will never fully conceive of, and I am only alive because of Him. And yet, after all that, He has compassion on ME. Every time I hear a song on the radio about being alive, or that our God is “not dead,” I am reminded that neither am I. I am no longer bound to my flesh, and I am now alive in Christ, and I live to do His bidding. At one time, I would have shied away from this life of slavery to my God, but I now accept my role wholeheartedly, and am completely enamored with my Savior. All I can do in return is love Him and follow Him to the end of my days.

Every day the Spirit conforms my heart more and more to be like Christ. So many things about me have changed. For one, my pride is shot. And yet, I find myself put into situations where I have to lay down my pride at the foot of the cross, and give it up to Jesus, because it’s still there. I’ve been freed from most of the bitterness in my heart. The roots have been dying, slowly at first, but I believe the decay to be exponential. My policy has become to never lie to people, because if I did, they probably would never know. My relationship with my parents is incredibly different from what it was two years ago. I’ve shared with them things I’ve held back of myself that I never would have imagined myself sharing. God is good, and has helped me through every improvement I’ve made in my life.

I still have a long road to travel ahead of me, but as I told someone I love very much just yesterday, I was in that place once, and I never, ever want to go back. I see where those pieces fell into place. I have been struck multiple times by the utter sovereignty of God, and I can’t wait to see where He leads me for the rest of my life.

Child Sexual Assault: It's Not Your Fault

                Child sexual assault happens more than anyone knows. It is often hidden and around 88 percent of all cases are never reported to the authorities. Children are very vulnerable and weak and are often intimidated to share with either a teacher or other relative about what is going on. They fear further abuse or they think that no one will believe them because they are “merely” children. A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds. It is estimated that as many as 40 million Americans, one in six people, experienced sexual victimization as children. One in four girls and one in seven boys are sexually victimized before the age of 18 and the most common ages for sexual abuse occur between 8 and 12. It is very rarely a one-time deal; it usually last one to fourteen years. Approximately 93 percent of children assaulted or abused were victimized by someone they knew. Fifty percent of offenders who victimized children were themselves juveniles. An average of five children per day is lost due to abuse-related deaths. Child sexual abuse has a very negative effect on the children when they grow older. Approximately thirty percent of all adults who were abused as children recall the events and of that thirty percent, eighty percent suffer at least one psychological disorder. 

                A young woman recently emailed me about some negative emotions she was having. She said she had no one else to talk to so I willingly let her open up to me. At first, it started with her just saying that she was feeling down. She said she was done trying, done pretending, done with everything. She didn’t know why she was feeling that way but she knew she didn’t like it and she didn’t know what to do. At first, I didn’t know what she was done with so I questioned her. She then went on to say that she was done pretending everything was ok and bottling in emotions. She didn’t feel like she was worth anything and like she had no one there for her. She didn’t think any of her goals or dreams would ever happen.

                This really touched me because, as I told her, I felt worthless at one point, although God and my family were there for me. But I had wanted more. At first, I didn't know exactly what to say but then I just let God do all the typing for me throughout the conversation.  Anyway, I told her that out of everything bad comes something good because God will always be there for her. She told me that since she was 10 she was bottling all her emotions and nothing good has happened for her. I went on to explain to her that I went through 12 years of torment from my peers and thought, “When will this ever end?” I felt lonely, although I truly wasn’t. God made me walk through that certain storm so I could be more empowered to be a light to people that others could never reach. I had that experience so I could understand what others are going through. That’s when she told me what happened when she was a young girl. Here’s her story:

When I was 10 we moved into a new house, and that's where it started. My brother was 15 or 16 years old. It started out with him just rubbing up against me and picking me up and touching and grabbing my butt. After a while I guess he got tired of that, and started touching me in other places. He would walk in in on me when I was in the shower and take pictures of me when I was sleeping. After a while he started taking pictures of himself and made me look at them. I remember one time when we were in our basement I was playing video games with him, he looked over at me, pushed me on the futon we were sitting on, laid on top of me, and ran his hands up and down my body. I remember being so scared. He stood up, walked away, took more pictures of himself, made me look at them, and then took pictures of me. He touched me. Even after all of this, I still didn't tell anyone. I was scared he would hurt me worse, or hurt one of my siblings. And I didn't want that to happen. I went through this for probably a year and a half. Then on July 2nd, 2007, my parents found that he was using their money to buy and watch porn on the computer. A little later that day, they came and asked me if he ever hurt me. I told them what he did. They called the police, and he was taken away. I remember being afraid that he was going to get out and find me, and hurt me again. I went to counseling for a few weeks, but it didn't really help. I felt like I was alone. I was angry, and I turned my back on God. I just didn't understand how He could've let something like that happen. I still sometimes believe that everything that happened was my fault. I understand that it’s not, but it is still hard to know that it wasn't. My relationship with God is getting better. It's not a really strong one but it’s better than it was. I guess I'm doing this because there are others out there who may have gone through this, or something similar. And they need to know that they are not alone. And that yes, it’s hard, but it does get better. And that it isn't their fault.

                God didn’t cause this to happen to her. Her brother caused it to happen. For God did not cause sin; man allowed sin to enter the world.

“Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin,

and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned.”

-Romans 5:12

“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot

be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone.”

-James 1:13

                What God wants her to do with this experience is to use it as a witnessing tool! So many people have experienced this, maybe not from their brothers but by their fathers, uncles, or other close male relatives. When I first told her this, she questioned me how she could use what happened to her as a testimony. It wasn’t by accident that her parents found out what her brother was doing. God intervened so that she wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. There are so many people out there trying to fill the void in their life. Others have so much fear that it will happen again that they spend their lives separated and looking over their shoulder constantly. God wants her to proclaim His name to others so that they could know that what happened to them was not their fault and there are open arms waiting for them. They could learn to trust again and they could grow to be strong women. Sharing this story is her first steps towards using her experiences as a living testimony for God.

                It can be scary to announce to the public what happened. But it’s important to others that it does happen. As Christians, we aren’t here to judge or look at you based on your past. You couldn’t help that your abuser chose to prey on you.

“Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and

soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

-1 Thessalonians 5:23

“He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead,

or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. No distrust made him

waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God,

fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”

-Romans :19-21

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in

weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of

my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

-2 Corinthians 12:9

A Shaky Walk With God: My Testimony

“They overcame him by the blood

of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.”

-Revelation 12:11

                As Christians, we need to realize how powerful our testimony can be in planting seeds and leading others to the salvation they can have in Christ. Those not yet rescued want to know that someone can relate to what they’re going through in their life. They need to know that they aren't being judged and feel welcomed to have a relationship. Many people don’t realize that many Christians went through a lot before they received Christ as their savior. Lately many people have been telling me about the anointing I have on my life and that they love the passion for the Lord that I have. But I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always outgoing and cheerful. I’m not a perfect person and I made my mistakes. I wasn’t always on the right path. So, I thought I’d share my testimony.

                I was raised in a Christian house. My parents were saved several years before I was born so naturally I went to church starting from a very young age. I always knew who God was and I believed that he existed. But I spent little time praying or studying the scripture and there were certain life events that led me astray. My walk with God was always on and off. I only went to him when I felt like it but yet he still kept waiting for me with open arms, waiting for me to come back. I always had a passion to serve Christ but I didn’t let it show because I was nervous. I kept forgetting that God would never leave me nor forsake me. No man could hurt me. It’s like that old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”

                I was always enrolled in a public school. Public school is hard for a child to experience, especially as a follower of Christ. There are so many other kids who don’t know who Christ is so the enemy uses them to attack the born again. Starting in the first grade I can remember always being teased and made fun of-either being called a Jesus freak or ugly and sometimes I was made fun of just for other kids to get a laugh and to try to gain more friends. I went through this until I graduated the twelfth grade. I always thought that I was useless but I realize that now I can use this as a powerful testimony for those teens and young adults facing the same issues I went through.

                Because of this torment, I always felt like I wanted to fit in and wanted the other kids to like me. I wasn’t thinking about how Jesus suffered and I wasn’t thinking about the gifts I would receive once this life was over and I was in Heaven. I was too blind to see that I'm beautiful just the way God made me. I was young and was focused on other things. All I knew was that I wanted the teasing to end. In the 8^th grade, I got sucked into MySpace, which was not a good place. I had pictures of myself posted and even had hundreds of people who I didn’t even personally know as friends. I wasn’t thinking about the dangers, I just knew I was getting attention and people were telling me I was pretty. People always seem nicer on the Internet. My dad found out about it when I was in the 10^th grade and quickly brought it to an end. I thank God that I actually grew up with a father who cared and always looked out for my best interest. He always helped me get back up when I was falling. 

                I went to the youth group at my church starting in the 7^th grade but it was just like public schools. Girls wearing revealing clothes and faces caked with make-up and hair dyed; boys being complete goof balls; and no one paying attention to the message. We were all still lost although we always referred to ourselves as Christian. But, it states in numerous places in the New Testament that the youth will be rebellious during the end times. It also states that we can’t just profess our faith in Jesus, we need to carry ourselves like Him and do His will. I was the girl who sat in the back and didn’t talk to anyone because of fear of rejection that I received in high school. It stayed with me in other aspects of my life. At the age of 14 I was water baptized. I felt like a completely different person and could feel the Holy Spirit in me. But that didn’t last long. As a young female, Satan really wanted me, something that wasn’t his for the taking. I was up until 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning texting boys.  I eventually stopped going to the youth group at the end of the tenth grade. Because I was still being made fun of, I was still looking for ways to fit in.  I started wearing make-up and changed the way I dressed. I wasn’t unique anymore; I looked just like everyone else. This still didn’t work. I had people telling me every day that I was ugly and needed to kill myself so everyone else could be happy. I eventually pushed God to the side and never mentioned him. I rarely thought about him. I was on the road to destruction. I was crying almost every day because of the kids teasing me. I shouldn’t have been crying; I should have been rejoicing! Now that I’m older, I realize this.

              My senior year of high school I always said that the kids weren’t affecting me anymore. But deep down they were. I wasn't fully committed to Christ so I was traumatized. I started to sneak different shoes and clothes to school so I could try to fit in with all of the other girls. My mom and I didn’t have the best of relationships and it came to a point where I wasn’t doing anything with her.  I felt like I wasn’t useful to God and I felt that He wasn’t working in me. 

                A few months towards the end of the twelfth grade I went back to youth group at a different church. This church was different. I felt welcome. The kids seemed more respectful. But then I moved to Delaware. I started college at an all-girls art school in Philadelphia. There is rarely ever any mention of God there. It was only me and a few other girls who openly voiced that we were God fearing and we had received new life through Christ But I was still led into temptation. At my place of work, I was interacting with the wrong guys and it led me into trouble. I ran away from home for a day and through this, it led me back to Christ. I broke down and recommitted myself to Christ. I demanded that Satan leave my life. My family and I were on and off with church because we were trying to find the right church for us.. I would bring my bible to school and read it every morning. Girls would say, “Why are you reading that,” or “Why would you believe in God?” I ignored it and continued to do this. But once again, I was attacked by the enemy. I opened a Facebook account and was dragged down, threatening to commit suicide. This just caused a big mess. My college made me go to a psychiatrist so I could get analyzed so that they could know if I was a threat to myself or not. Once again, I was drawn back to Christ. 

                This didn’t last long though once again. However, although I was not focused on my own walk with Christ, I was still concerned with others’. I helped lead my boyfriend at the time to saying a prayer of salvation and  coming to Christ. There would sometimes be homeless people in front of my college looking to get free food from the vendor that sits outside. I would buy them meals with the little money that I had, just so I could witness to them about Christ and show his mercy, love and grace. I would say, “Jesus loves you,” or “God bless you.” One woman, once I said this gave me a big hug and it always touched my heart that I could plant a seed of Jesus in these people. Some of these people might have never received the compassion I was giving them and it was all for Christ. I was still creating Christian items for my online store through the gift that God gave me and wearing my Christian shirts.  I would still talk about God and give tracts to people. I've sponsored a young girl in the Philippines for the past 2 years and I always send a tract and Gospel of John in the packages I send to my customers.  But doing these good deeds alone wasn't enough to ensure my place in Heaven. I needed to put my trust back in God and help build my relationship with him. I needed to surrender everything for him to do His will.

                My boyfriend and I eventually broke up. I was crushed by losing someone I had fallen in love with. I put my all into everything I did for him. I always lifted him up. He even had an engagement ring picked out for me. But eventually, he started to ignore my calls and texts and he allowed another female friend to call me ugly and threaten to beat me up and call me a pest. Turns out that while him and I were in a relationship he really loved this other girl. He ignored me for a week straight and allowed his dad to tell me that we couldn't see each other anymore. I ended things with him and he didn't even fight for me. 2 weeks later I was talking to another guy. I knew my dad wouldn’t approve of him but I continued to do so just because of the temptation and to know that someone was interested in me. But my dad eventually found out once again and this led me to cutting him off.

                I became disrespectful to my dad and then I realized, “I want a stronger, more real relationship with God.” Not because of pleasing my dad but because of pleasing my Father in heaven. This drew me back to Christ 2 months ago. I started going back to my current church and I’m stronger than ever. I’m a happier person and my relationship with my parents is healing. I’ve realized that I’m beautiful just the way I am and if anyone says otherwise, I don’t listen to them. I can finally look in the mirror and feel beautiful without the make-up. I'm becoming actively involved with my church and getting involved with the different groups and ministries. God is using me for His works. My mom and I get along so much better now. I have better social skills and God is looking out for me; because of giving my time and labor to God, God rewards me not only with a place in Heaven but sales at my store are increasing. I’m able to surround myself with other people who believe in the same God as me and who serve him. I have people encouraging me instead of bringing me down. Not only am I a blessing to them but they are a blessing to me. I’m learning what it’s like to have people besides my family who care about me and who I can talk to and be myself around. I feel instantly comfortable and don't feel like I'm being judged and I don't have that fear of being an outcast. God has helped me completely remove those thoughts from my mind. I don’t focus on the loss of my boyfriend. Sure, it still hurts every now and then but God always puts peace in my heart. Now that I’m more mature I realize that I don’t need to please anyone on earth or seek out a boyfriend; God will place him in my life at his own time if it is his will. I'm not focused on a boyfriend; God makes everything beautiful in its own time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). I look at the loss of my boyfriend as a blessing because now I have more time for serving the Lord. He was just holding me back. I'm not going to church just to make friends. It's amazing what God can do! I've cut out all the negative people from my life so I can take some time to mature in the Spirit and grow in my relationship with Christ. What help is it helping others if I do not yet have a firm relationship with the Lord?

                 Some people ask me where I want to be in 5 years or 10 years. But this is my answer: I don't know; I can't make that call. God will reveal it to me when the time is right. I plan on living according to His will and I won't let anything get in the way. He'll direct me to where I need to be and if it's His will opportunities will arise for me or certain circumstances will arise that will cause me not to get what I want. This is because God needs me to be a certain place at a certain time so that I can reach out to people and bring them to Jesus. My life is in His hands and I am unafraid of what He has planned. I leave it all up to him, having faith in everything he does. 

                I know that my struggle may not be as great as someone else’s. Some have dealt with alcohol or gambling. Others have dealt with crimes that have put them in prison. But my journey and my struggle was still an emotional one. I was still a sinner, as we all are. And Jesus was my solution; God gave him to the world so that we may be saved. Society, without me realizing it, traumatized me and the only healer that could save me was Christ. Most people say that with what I went through for 12 years in school could only be healed by a psychiatrist. But that's not true. God was there and he's helped me now that I came back to him. My back is no longer turned away from him and I want to bring glory and honor to his name alone. I'm working as a servant for the Lord, as we are ordained to do.   I didn't know what my spiritual gifts were either and the power Christ could have through me. I took the test and had several gifts that topped the list with the same amount of points. These gifts were hospitality, giving, pastoring, teaching, evangelism, knowledge, wisdom, faith, encouragement, exhortation, missionary, healing, intercession, mercy, leadership, apostleship, writing, and craftsmanship (some say craftsmanship and writing are talents, not gifts). At first, I thought that it was absurd that I could possess all of these gifts. However, in these  last 2 months, after I 100% committed my life to God, I have notice all of these gifts showing through me all for the glory of God. At first, it started out with just one or two of the gifts showing but as I started to devote more time to God, more gifts started to shine. I am now laying hands on people and praying for them, seeing the healing power of Christ and the peace He can lay on people with broken hearts. He’s speaking through me so that I can share my knowledge of His word with others and teach them. I’m seeing the smiles I bring to people’s faces because of the light that shines in me. Don't let opportunities pass you by; experience what God has planned for you!

                With this testimony, I hope to reach people dealing with addictions and the teens and young adults who are dealing with peer pressure, depression, and the loss of loved ones. I want to help teach and guide teens in the way of the Lord. I want to share my testimony at churches to reach those who are secretly feel lonely, useless, and depressed so that they know they can open up to me and I can help then find the Christ that loves them; they can know I love them too. I want to draw people to Christ and let them know that there are people of God who have struggled with the same issues as any other person and there is an end to it once you come to God. 

               So, if you haven’t committed your life to God yet, just remember that I and many others understand what you are dealing with. God is calling out to you. There's a reason why you're reading this right now. God wants you to go to him and he wants to use you for his works. You're his child, and he wants you back home. None of us are perfect and most of us have stood where you are. Our lives were on the wrong track instead of the one that leads to Heaven. No person needs God more than another. We all need him the same; we’ve all just been put in different situations so that we may realize this. God has an abundant amount of faith to pour upon each and every person on this planet. We just need to accept him.     

“But small is the gate and narrow the

road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

-Matthew 7:14     
 

                To know God is not a religion, it’s a relationship. If you want to be forgiven by God and come into a relationship with him, you can do so right now by asking him to forgive you and come into your life. Jesus said, "Behold, I stand at the door [of your heart] and knock. He who hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him [or her].” If you want to do this, but aren't sure how to put it into words, this may help:   
   

Father God in Heaven,

I come to you in the name of Jesus. I acknowledge to you that I am

a sinner and I’m sorry for the life I’ve lived; I need your forgiveness.

I believe that your only Son Jesus Christ shed his precious blood on

the cross and died for my sins so I may have everlasting life in your

kingdom. Right now I confess Jesus as my Lord and savior. I believe

with my heart that you raised Jesus from the dead. From this moment

on I live for you. I want to know you in a real way. Transform me

Use me as you see fit. Thank you for your unlimited grace that saved

me from my sins. Amen.